Things Fall Apart

I'm tellin' y'all, it's a sabotage - Beastie Boys

I was now a senior in High School and looking forward to going away to college. It was my focus, my dream, and my salvation from an extremely dysfunctional home life. Of course I would be attending a Christian college. My father had promised full tuition to any college I chose and was adamant that I not work to concentrate on my studies. I toured different colleges on the west coast but was unhappy that most required students to sign a type of morality contract. That included no movies, dancing, even card playing. I was insulted at this level of control and dismissed those particular colleges as potential candidates.

Finally I found Westmont College down in Southern California. It had a beautiful campus, the kids seemed normal (for me), and no contracts were required. I filled out the application and was accepted on the spot. I came home to give my dad the good news who immediately informed me that college tuition was not in his budget. It was past time to apply for a scholarship or grant and I had never had a job. I could not go. Just like that my dreams to leave for college vanished like a vapor.

Of course my mother was behind it, I knew that. The horror of her treachery fell on me like a ton of bricks. God, that woman hated me. She smirked while saying I was sinning at being angry with her.Waving my other friends goodbye as they left for various colleges was tough, especially those going to Westmont.  All my plans for a healthy new life were shattered. The shocking realization of just how sheltered my life was was that I had no idea how to support myself. So I had to live at home. With her.

I stopped getting my period and felt truly afraid for the first time in my life. My faith had gotten me exactly nowhere.

There was no escape.