The Sinful, Going-To-Hell Non Christians Who Helped Put Me Back Together

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company - Mark Twain

My breakdown was never acknowledged or treated. Healing required rest which was impossible around the almost constant criticism and pressure to go back to my husband.  Frayed nerves were snapping one by one at my parent's home. People at church shunned me and most would not even speak except to condescendingly say they would pray for me. Not one person expressed concern or offered a helping hand.

I stopped attending Los Gatos Christian which was just fine with my parents. I was an embarrassment to them. Work seemed a reasonable escape and I soon found a low-key receptionist job for a company that sold after market products and tools for motorcycles.

Finally out of that toxic bubble, my eyes opened wide at the discovery of the real world.

K&L Supply was memorable for two main reasons. Most importantly, meeting the man who I would eventually marry. And secondly,  for the first time I was spending time working closely with "worldly" people. They were fantastic.

My co-workers were friendly and welcomed me warmly. Talk centered mainly around motorcycles for guys and the usual relationship/kids talk for women.  The men talked loudly, laughed loudly, and swore freely with great aplomb. Most of them smoked and, unlike my father who hid his from prying church eyes, their desks sported overflowing ashtrays in full view. Religious and moral issues were never spoken of and no interest was expressed in the state of the nation's soul.

What really floored me was their response at why the kids did not live with me. When questions came, I was  afraid they would reject me when my failings as a mother were revealed.  Incredibly, no one thought I was a terrible person or judged me or my motives. Instead, they were genuinely concerned and told me everything would be ok. It is difficult to express my astonishment and relief at this unexpected compassion.

It was about this time I had my first epiphany about Christianity. It was the realization that if people like the ones in my church were going to Heaven and the ones at work, including Jim, were going to Hell, I rather go down with my co-workers. The thought of spending eternity with those smug, self-righteous phonies at church was revolting.

It gave me strength. Not physical strength. Exhaustion dogged me and the craving to just lie down and sleep was overpowering.  My parents refused to drive me to work and my husband had kept both cars so I took the bus and walked several blocks which added four hours to my day. Jim, my future husband, was renting a place pretty cheaply downtown which was very close to work. I wondered if my life would be easier if I lived downtown as well.

For the first time in my life, I acted on my own behalf without consulting anyone or praying for guidance. I was twenty-five years old.