I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law, and, even then, if I could have been certain to haunt her - but I won't dwell on those trifling family matters. - Lord Byron
Jim and I decided to get married in December and planned for a June wedding. We wanted something simple with just a few friends and family members. The problem was, after three years, Jim had still not introduced me to his parents or sister. I had met his brother who seemed pretty normal so I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Was it me or them? Turns out, them.
In April I finally insisted on meeting his parents. His reaction was to close his eyes, take a deep breath, and quietly say "Okay."
It was all arranged and he parked in front of a lovely home in Saratoga. Jim's mother greeted me politely but just a trifle on the cool side. Then he brought me into his Dad's music room who flung out his hand and said, Hi, I'm Jim Bell!"
I smiled, "the first!"
He said, "the only."
I looked at Jim in confusion. Strange to deny the existence of his son to his fiance. Maybe he just said the wrong thing, people do that when they're nervous. Just forget it, I thought.
His sister was a different matter. The same age as me, Susan was loud, bragged about her accomplishments in the kitchen while putting down her husband's, and struck me as a terrible bore. Something was off in this house. His mom seemed to be in her own world, Jim Sr. and Susan vied to see who could top each other in grandstanding, and no interest whatsoever was expressed in Jim or his life. No one asked me single question about myself.
It turned out they took one look at me and summed up my entire being: character traits, political and religious beliefs, personal likes and dislikes. They were not ascertained from any factual sources. Many of these invented traits were completely off but they stood by them defiantly. They knew exactly who I was.
Both sets of parents refused to attend our wedding. My ex also refused to allow my children to go. Only four people attended our little wedding at a beautiful B&B in Rutherford CA, in the Napa Valley wine country. We all went out for dinner at Trevigne in St Helena and had a great time. The weekend was all the time we could take off and we were back at work Monday morning.
The situation was peculiar. At work everyone was happy for us. Our families were a different matter. I wanted his family to like me, but they never would no matter what I did. It was a decision made at the outset of our marriage and carried through up until now. I was to see another side of narcissism, this time from Jim's point of view. They surrounded themselves in a cloud of superficiality and, like my mom, appearances were everything. His father was a self-absorbed blowhard and his mother, a snake. I was shocked to realize she hated Jim. For absolutely no discernible reason.
Nice people from good families can't wrap their heads around that one. I honestly wish I was one of them. The two of us came from the exact same situation. Same circus, different clowns. Where religion was of paramount importance to my family, cooking was to Jim's. Each was held up as the pinnacle of human existence. Through each other's family we saw behind the bullshit to the conditional acceptance (never love) we experienced with our own. We began to wake up to the fact that the way we were treated had nothing to do with who we were.
The bonds between us strengthened.
No comments:
Post a Comment